It turns out, that I’m not actually quite so terrible of a person. I am single handedly surviving a pandemic with my 5 kids… sort of impressive, eh? I mean, we have a lot of days where we’re all smiling and eating well-balanced and nutritious meals, only to be followed by my 5-year olds eating Fruit Roll-ups off the floor, but hey, this is what we call: balance.
I’ve decided to take this time “off” to really align myself and figure out where I am in life, what I want from life and ultimately, WHO I AM. I’ve spent all this time with myself and I used to struggle when having honest conversations with myself but I’m finding them a bit easier as I reassess my VALUES. And if something doesn’t serve my values? Then it isn’t worth my energy.
Ps. My values have changed.
We’ve been thrown an extra curveball in the last few weeks and on top of fighting and surviving a pandemic, we’re now also facing an overdue human rights movement. It knocked the wind out of me when I really began to look at the truth of our racism issues. I self-admittedly and absolutely hate to say that it took me 34 years to realize the depth of white privilege. And for that… I want to personally apologize. It’s true- I’ve never had to worry about my kids not coming home if they rode around the block or any sort of injustice. I have lived in a bubble where I honestly thought racism was dissipating and was more of a “thing of the past.” Turns out, I was ignorant to it all and I feel foolish to have let my rose-coloured glasses lead the way.
However, I am thankful I was raised in a home where skin colour was never a factor. My parents are loving people who truly don’t have an ounce of hate in them and I assure you that I will raise my kids to have the same values, but will be aware of history. We stand in solidarity with you, we support you and we will continue to do better. You have my word.
I took the week off of what felt like everything because I was so overwhelmed with what I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t know how to show my support to those who needed it and I didn’t know how to talk to my own kids about the protests and unjust deaths. I’ve chosen to continue moving forward with my own personal growth and to keep learning about different ways to evolve and support humanity the best I can. The truth is, I’m feeling extremely unconfident as a mother right now and I don’t want any empathy at all because this isn’t about me. But, I’m putting the pressure on myself and I need a minute to really process what is happening in the world and in my own little family here. I do feel like this pandemic and human rights movement happened in our lifetime because we live in a population that is capable to change the world. We are surrounded by incredible mentors and self improvement moguls, we are more aware because of the enhancements made by social media. It’s a curse and a blessing to have so much information at our fingertips but what a waste it would be if we just sat back and did nothing.
Covid has taught me to pay attention more; whether it be to the thoughts in my own head or what’s happening all around us. It has taught me more empathy and that everyone has a story and if we listen hard enough, it will connect us. To be slowed down like this has been eye opening as we’ve now seen the injustices happen around us. The time off has totally forced us to deal with it and be extremely aware of some dark truths of the world we live in.
Living in fear has to come to an end and I will be putting the work into becoming a better, more well-rounded person who will help change the world. I’m listening, I’m learning and I’m figuring out what I can do with my white privilege to fight for equality.
One very apologetic mother who is desperate for change.