Okay Internet, I’m about to talk to myself here and fire off some thoughts in my brain because I’m a single mama- I don’t have a person to roll over to at the end of the night to debate things with. I’ve got me and my brain and trust me- it’s a banter that I don’t even want to be a part of majority of the time.
Straight up. September is quickly approaching and I am getting all. the. feels. And not the good ones… the ones that have my head spinning and wondering what the hell to do. Are we sending these kids to school and putting them at huge risk? Are we keeping them home and EPICALLY failing at homeschooling? Will there be some hybrid? Or are we all just going to keep crying every single day out of pure frustration. Wait, is that just me? Yep, probably just me.
Okay, I have learned to slow down since all this started and it’s been super nice to cook from scratch and take time to make, you know, 8 square meals per day because everyone wants something different. Sense my sarcasm there? But in all seriousness, I appreciate the extra time with these kids and I don’t mean to come across here as a spoiled brat but hear me out.
I just graduated University last October. Yes, that’s right- I’m finally ready to enter the adult world at the ripe age of 34 and I couldn’t be more excited about it. Except, my timing totally and utterly blows chunks. Not only is it damn near impossible to get a job with my degree (yah, I said it) but it is damn near impossible for anyone to hire a single mother of 5 kids during a freaking pandemic. I have zero doubt that I would lose my job within weeks because of a kiddo being sent home with a sniffly nose because let’s be real here, we’re entering a time where ZERO risks will be taken. I’m sorry kiddo, did you just cough? Great. Your entire class is now in isolation for 14 days. Parents, deal with it. #truth
I’m going to paint a story here about how life is going to be for this single mother. And let me remind you (in the friendliest tone EVER) that I am the epitome of a single mom. I don’t get a weekend, day, afternoon where I can rely on the other parent to do their job and raise their children and so that I can get a little bit organized. Nope. Doesn’t exist. I can’t even jump on a work-related- 5-minute-conference-call without a child asking for a snack. Would I have it any other way? No… But, yes. I’d kill to have a healthy relationship with my ex-husband and co-parent the crap out of these kids. It just didn’t work out that way for moi and hey- you aren’t given what you can’t handle. Right?
Okay, back on track here. September…
So, I’ve been plugging away at a career for the last 6 months. I have a couple different ventures on the go and the ‘building phase’ (aka further education and planning) has taken a hell of a lot longer with Covid. No shock or anything, just a giant pain in my ass. It is really, and I mean REALLY difficult to sit down and study during these summer months when the kids are running off in 5 different directions. And we have a pool, so all eyes are peeled when they’re outside. Don’t even get me started on the biking situation. 5 different directions all the time. So, this is why I want to get them in school because it’ll give me the chance to hammer down and get the things done that I NEED to do to become self-sufficient once again. I’m choosing career paths that will allow me to work remotely and basically for myself because not only do I want to set the goals and reap the financial benefits solely, I just don’t see it any other way. And really, with the unknown upon us, it sounds like I’m going to need to be able to figure out a career that will allow me to work from home for those days when the kids sneeze by accident and get sent home to “isolate for 14 days” You KNOW it’ll happen to us. Ha! Job security is a massive fear of mine and something I believe we’re all striving for but I’m really stressed about making this all happen in the world we currently live in. The tears that are STREAMING down my face right now are real because I feel like I’m just burning a hole through the ground from running on the same spot. I truly and honestly don’t know how to get ahead right now with the reality of Covid changing everything we knew about the school system and workplace. I am DESPERATE to buy a place of my own again and build my “femme-pire” and it’s bloody exhausting doing this alone. Not impossible, but really f*cking hard.
My priority is and always will be, my kids and their health and safety. And those who know me, KNOW that I do everything for these kids. Luckily, we do find out what the plan is for school in the next couple of days, so instead of speculation, I’ll be able to form a proper plan but it’s been weeks of absolute cognitive dissonance and only myself to bounce this off of. This is where it gets lonely and where a single parent can completely unravel. I fully understand that there are benefits to be able to make a decision on your own, but there’s something so wonderful about an informed debate with a spouse and I’ll be the first to admit that I miss it. I miss being able to turn my brain off for a minute and not make a decision. I’m that girl who will beg to not make a decision about what to have for dinner because I’m just so damn tired of deciding. We’ve had the weight of the world on our shoulders for the last 5 months and I’m nervous that there are many, many more months ahead of us. I know I sound like a pessimist and I totally think I’m more of an optimist but I’m trying to be real here. I’m a master at pushing through the days when the going gets tough but straight up- this is tough bananas and this girl is getting tired from the uphill battle. I find I’m losing my patience a bit more than normal right now because the general worry about balancing school and getting this career moving is extremely overwhelming.
I’m grumpy. I’m emotional. I just cried watching The Simpsons Movie because Marge left Homer to save Springfield and even though I know how that story ends, I just can’t stop sobbing for poor little Marge and how she’ll raise those kids alone… We’re at THAT point, my friends. And I know y’all can relate.
But end of the day, I feel confident that I’ll make the right decision and I’ll bust my ass to make my future as great as possible. Kids health will ALWAYS come first but this decision-making is tough and upsetting. My advice to you, is to simply bear in mind that as stressed as we all are, there is likely a single parent in your circle who carries a crap ton of weight on their shoulders right now. Check in and see how they’re doing, too. I guarantee they want to hear some other thoughts and opinions as we all navigate this together. Xo.