I was triggered the other day when I was scrolling through Facebook and fell upon a picture of my ex-husband with a supposed sober smile. I was selfishly angry when I read some comments about how wonderful he is and how he deserves all the help in the world. I just thought to myself how he must have fooled them all and if they know the situation he left us in.
Sounds brutal that I would be triggered by this, right? I know. I sound like someone who ill wishes him and dreads his return… and half of that sentence is partially true. I was bloody terrified to see him “resurrected” because I’m nervous that he will surface sooner than later and hurt my kids again. Again, I sound like a horrid bitch. And maybe I am? Or maybe I’m someone who has a big job to protect 5 little hearts and won’t let anyone or anything destroy them again.
For the record, I am Team Recovery and I hope everyone finds that fairy tale ending they’re looking for and becomes the best version of themselves. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I believe in the best of every single human but I’m also human with real emotions and thoughts. Do I wish that he and I had an amicable split and my kids could have the best of all worlds? Absolutely. But that is so not how our story unfolded. I do not claim to be wife-of-the-year NOR do I think I was the right one for him and I fully recognize how toxic our relationship always was. But man oh man- it truly blows my mind how he had the audacity to put us in debt, misery and danger and is now being celebrated while I continue to clean up his crap. Addiction is a vile disease and I don’t wish it upon anyone and at some point, bygones do need to stay as bygones but there’s always another side to these stories and the truth can’t always stay hidden.
So, I let myself feel the emotions and with the help of a couple friends and my favourite human, I was quickly able to nail my head back on and put my focus back where it belongs:
my present moment;
and future ambitions.
In the present moment, I am content and it has taken me a long while to get here. And the biggie…. my kids are SAFE (I have proper protocol and enforcement to ensure this continues) and have a man (actually 2, including my Dad) who have stepped up in the best way possible for them. Even though I am still paying off some of his debts (5 years later), I am in a comfortable financial position and I have immersed myself in not only 1, but 2 passion projects and gunning towards a career that will make a difference in my life. And the kids are good, like really good. So generally, our life is good and it threw me off that I was SO thrown off once seeing this picture on the Internet. So, what the hell? How can this throw me off course? And the answer is simply this:
Fear.
The fear of the unknown. But, all I can focus on is the right now. If I think about the past, I live in depression and if I think about the future, I live in anxiety. Grounding myself has been a major coping mechanism for me and taking a deep inventory of my present moment, I feel nothing but gratitude. And hey, if he wants to sober up one day and seek out his family after years of abandonment, we will cross the path when I get there. The beautiful thing is that my life is truly full of the most supportive people known to mankind and for that I am grateful. And I do need to sit with the imperfection of anger… Is it my most ideal human trait to be angry to see him receive support? No. But, it’s normal for me to feel the way I do and did. But I am honouring my cognitive dissonance. I am accepting that although I do wish the best for him, I’m angry. And that anger is VALIDATED. So, I acknowledge it, I label it and I let the feeling ride. The sun always rises and as cliché as it sounds, my life is getting better every day. Recovery after codependency is possible. XO.
