Well, hello lockdown #3. You sure have worn out your not-so-warm welcome already and you haven’t been here that long. You are taking away our livelihood, happiness and general sense of hope as we battle what now feels like an endless pandemic.
I’ve been in a slump, y’all. And it hasn’t been pretty. My lovely UNWELCOMED anxiety has shown its darling little face yet again and I’m desperate to claw my way out of this hole I’ve buried myself in. Yes, you heard that correctly. THE HOLE I BURIED MYSELF IN.
It’s my own fault for getting myself to this state of misery and dare I say, depression. It’s my fault for not taking care of my body in the way I should be. I don’t even know what exercise is nor am I counting the Mini Eggs I devoured into my daily macros. We’re just going to pretend that never existed and when I crash from my sugar high, I know who to blame and I will stare myself in the mirror and tell myself that we need to pull it together.
I go through patches where everything affects me a little bit harder than it used to. I hold back and push things away that I want because I’m scared of history repeating itself. I have fears, and my fears are big. I don’t know if anyone is actually strong enough to take me on.
Some days just feel so much heavier and I’m in a period where everything weights more. Everything hurts a little bit more. And nothing really feels right. This pandemic exacerbates the negative, doesn’t it? For whatever unknown, and pretty silly reason, I listen to the negativity when I’m in a poor mood.
I’ve been told my life is bonkers.
I’ve been called crazy for having 5 kids.
I’ve had people run away from my situation before trying to understand it.
People have made the most inappropriate comments to me about my life, and I’d be a liar if I said it didn’t affect me.
I hear the whispers. I see the looks. I feel the cold-hard judgment. And on some days? I’ve let it take control of me. I’ve let it feed into a depression and it has aided into my negative self-perception and negative self-talk. Like I said, everything feels heavy.
But, alas… faith sees best in the dark.
Hmmm. Does it? Because I’m gonna let you in on my secret, that darkness is overwhelming, and it feels like there’s no way out sometimes. However, I have gotten out of 100% of my trickier situations and have found my faith during those times.
Sure, life is insane. Our worlds have turned back into a gamers dream: totally and completely virtual. The house has turned into a classroom during the day and a dance studio at night. We’ve had to readjust from a red zone to a stay-at-home order more times than I’ve given birth and it causes an uproar to routine every single time! I am blessed and fortunate enough to have kept my full time AND part time job through this debacle and I’ve managed to release a book with my co-author AND pass my first realtors’ exam through this. Not too shabby, eh?
My life doesn’t have time for these little slumps, but I shall honour them because guess what? Things grow in the dark and cold underground. Sure, you need to water it and feed it all the right things because when you don’t, we all know it’s going to die before it even has a chance. My mistake was (and usually is) remembering to water and feed myself in the dark. Because it’s dark and sometimes I can’t see where the food and water are. Obviously.
I can handle the loneliness that solo parenting brings (I’ll write about that at another time) and I can manage the toxic mindset that randomly creeps in after years of abuse. But I have to adjust this poor little attitude from time-to-time, or my life will literally eat me alive. My intentions on being a solo parent to 5 were non-existent until I had no choice. I played The Game of Life as a kid and they never explained single parenthood! So, to say that I need an attitude adjustment more often than not isn’t exactly an understatement. My job is to stay on top of me and the second I feel less than amazing, I know I need to get a grip on myself, which is exactly what I’m doing. For me, this means moving my body more, counting my macros and getting enough sleep. It means not answering some phone calls or spending time with people who don’t inspire me to be greater. It means unfollowing certain people on social media and surrounding myself with motivating humans. Basically, I have to mute the assholes of the world (pardon my language, but that’s what they are.) I don’t need to hear how chaotic my life is when I’m living it on the daily. I don’t need to hear about the weaknesses and faults of both me and my kids, just to keep a friend. I don’t need to settle for anything less than what I deserve. And this pandemic has opened my eyes to the real and fake in my life.
So, excuse the mess while I clean up this little mess and get myself back on the proper track. I’ve got the tools in my belt and enough wisdom to change some neural pathways to get me where I want to be. I’m setting more goals and forming a plan to keep me focused and successful and until then, you’ll find me back in the kitchen, meal prepping my life away to fuel the kids and I in the best way possible. Stay safe, friends. There is totally light at the end of the tunnel.