I’ve been there.
I am no stranger to the good old head-banging cry in the shower (or anywhere to be perfectly honest.) I’d be a big liar if I said I didn’t cry almost daily, and hell- sometimes a couple times a day, due to pure and utter exhaustion and stress.
I’ve had thoughts of running away and starting a new life. I’ve cried all day for days on end. I’ve stared off into the abyss for days with the most damaging and negative self-talk occurring in my brain.
But- I am NOT going anywhere.
Days are hard.
Weeks are hard.
Months are hard.
Years are hard.
Life is hard.
I don’t sleep well. I’m still unsure if I can attribute this to the general lack of sleep that comes with being a lone parent to 5 kiddos or if it’s my brain just unable to shut off, due to past trauma. I’m no longer married to an addict, so why do I stay up at night worrying that something troubling is about to occur?
I’m an over thinker. I immediately come to the worst case scenario and make up situations in my head that are to absolutely zero advantage. I assume the worst in almost everyone and everything. Because, why would something go right? I’m stuck in this toxic mindset of everything dwindling down the drain, that things are actually starting to go wrong. Self-fulfilling prophecy is working its magic!
Abuse is real. And sweeping it under the carpet was my coping mechanism for far too long. I took the physical abuse as it came, but I held on to the mental abuse. I have a real issue with the words ‘useless’ and ‘worthless’ as they were yelled in my face for years. Being told I ought to kill myself because all I’m good for is having children is another one. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, stolen from and stripped down to the most exposed version of myself. When I was pregnant with the twins (which is another trauma that I’ll leave alone for the time being), my dearly beloved spouse was off partying, bragging about how he knocked up his wife and had a pregnancy scare with his girlfriend. And you bet he got high fives for “playing the game.” I’m a smart woman and I’m a strong woman. I knew not to believe the crap that was spewed at me, but it became a disgusting habit that physically changed some of my brain pathways. Instead of standing tall, slouching was my go-to. I stopped smiling. I became nervous in crowds and stopped seeing my friends altogether. I had collapsed into a meek, nervous version of whoever I used to be or whoever I’m supposed to be. It’s been uncomfortable and it’s been nerve-racking. And its been damaging as all hell.
You become what you think of yourself. And that attracts a certain type of human who will treat you accordingly. It’s a vicious cycle if you jump into a negative cycle. I learnt this in one of my psychology classes over the years and only until about September, I truly paid attention to it and it took me until these last few weeks to start making some solid changes.
I seek therapy and I have tools to employ; such as this piece of paper beside me that I’ve been scribbling challenging thoughts on to offset all the awful things I think. And hey, it kinda works!
My journey is different than yours as yours is different from mine. I don’t struggle with suicide ideation but rather, insecurities and negative self-image (on both the inside and outside.) My end goal is to evolve into the best version of myself and am open to trying new tactics and therapies to reach this. I’m an avid reader and am completely obsessed with the self-help and psychology section at the local bookstore. I understand the importance of physical activity to get the endorphins moving and I totally get how sleep affects EVERYTHING.
We all struggle and we all have days where we need to just relax, re-evaluate, re-compose and get back to it. By zero means do I have any answers but am pushing every single day to be that woman I’m supposed to be.
